DAD

Last night, my father passed away after battling cancer for almost four years.
He's had three close calls, but this time it happened + I am heartbroken.

I am going to be taking a short break from blogging to be with my family. I mentioned to someone earlier that blogging has always served as a great distraction, so I will definitely be back at it soon.

In honor of my dad, I urge you to take a moment to consider donating your stem-cells to help cure or even just help prolong the lives of others suffering from cancer + other diseases. While my father's stem cell transplant from a donor did not cure his cancer, it gave him another precious year to be with us + we couldn't be more thankful.

Find out more about donating here.

♥

I miss you dad. I'll love you forever. You will always be our Jamdula bonehead.

i will love you

ph: margaret durow + ieatglass

get over the thought of loving you

ph: leilaleilaleila

It’s like a door that’s too old, that never quite shuts right. And using that little bit of leeway, you somehow always manage to weasel your way back in into my life, into my heart… Only to leave me time and again, always in pieces.

Everybody else perceived me as aloof and strong, but they never knew how you were my one weakness, the love I could never seem to get over.

The first time you left back in high school, I was broken. I gave everything I had to you, and even then it wasn’t enough. You shattered my dreams of a fairy tale romance, and with it, my very soul. A glass shard seemed permanently etched in my heart and everyday was an agony. Even breathing hurt so bad. When we passed each other in the hallway, you never once looked my way. It was as if I’d suddenly dropped out of existence from your world. You needn’t had to bother with avoiding me, because I did enough for both of us. Seeing you simply hurt too much. Nobody saw the tears I shed for you; nobody knew that I feel asleep to a damp pillow every night. I never let them.

Then we went off to different colleges, and I moved out of state. There were just too many memories of you around and I knew I had to get away in order to rebuild my life. I cut off all contact with my friends and people who knew you and erased everything in existence that reminded me of you. I slowly picked up the pieces of my strewn heart and carefully glued them back together. I had barely learnt to get used to the constant aching in my heart before you slipped back into my life.

You showed up at my doorstep, out of the blue. When I arrived back home one day to find you sitting there on the steps to my apartment, conflicting emotions ran through me. I wasn’t ready. For this, for you, nor to face the pain once more. I was about to turn and walk off, feigning ignorance, hoping that you’d be gone by the time I got back from a sudden urgent need for a dose of caffeine, but you looked up at that moment and met my eyes. Those clear, blue eyes of yours. Filled with apprehension, I forced myself to walk forward and acknowledged your presence with a slight nod. We stood there in awkward silence before you finally spoke, spilling apologies and confessions of love and how you did me wrong. Words that I’d longed to hear before, but only served to bring the pain afresh now.

Somehow we started talking again, and not long after got back together. I hesitated for a while, but still caved in to you in the end. Maybe things would be different this time round? We’ve both grown since then, surely things would be different. At least, that’s what I kept telling myself.

The second time you left me, I had just started my second year in college. My carefully restored life fell apart around me once more. I couldn’t think straight. I didn’t get why history was repeating. Weren’t we over all that? Where did my happily ever after go to? I started to lose hope.

You stayed away. I locked away my memories of you for a second time. Tight.

Into my third year in college, I got to know a really sweet guy. He was good to me, and I was comfortable with him. It was the closest thing to normal that I’ve felt since you left.
And then you came back.

I wavered. I shouldn’t have, I know. And I lost a great guy and friend. And so it continued… Every single time that my life was starting to have some semblance of normalcy, you would show up and smash everything to smithereens. You were like a windstorm leaving destruction in your wake everywhere you went, especially me. It took a few more times before I finally decided that I was too tired to care or love anymore, that maybe love was never for me. I can’t go on like this forever, throwing down my life for you and having to pick up the pieces each time you walk away. So I let you go. And placed a door wedge AND a chair against the damn door. My life will not be yours; You will not be allowed to wreck my life anymore.

Right now, I’m not happy, and I’m starting to think that maybe I never will be happy again. But at least I’m not sad all the time anymore. That counts for something, right? And maybe, just maybe, someday I’ll get over you. Or maybe I’ll never ever get over you, and that’s okay too. I’m learning to get over the thought of loving you.

-k

where you kiss me

ph: Colorfly Studio

i'll be here waiting

ph: colourcritique

it happened; that was the text i got from you three days ago. just two words and i knew exactly what you were talking about. my stomach sank and my eyes started to well up as you explained to me that you were starting to fall in love with her. just one month seems so fast, but i guess that's how it was with me too. you see, deep down i'm happy for you. you've gone through too much in your 21 years to deserve any less than someone to come home to at night, someone to spoon when you're watching the history channel, someone to love.

but i've been in love with you for two years. i live for the texts you rarely send me, everywhere i go i hope i run into you, you're the only person i would tell my deepest secrets to, the only person i could see myself marrying. those are the only things i know about love, yet i've come to realize that when it comes to love, BE FEARLESS. i was too scared to be with you because you dated my best friend. i was too scared because you've hurt me too many times in the past. i was too scared of losing you. i was too scared you didn't love me as much as i loved you.

i spend my time hoping that one day you'll come back to me and tell me you still love me, that you never stopped. and i'll be here waiting, waiting to finally say yes.
-b

i just don't want one

ph: Marija Strajnic + i.am.rebecca

since that weekend

ph: Kira Sheker

I've known E for a few years now, and he's broken my heart more times than I can remember. When I first met him I was in a relationship so I didn't really notice him in the same way. Sure I thought that he was drop-dead gorgeous and super kind but at the same time I was so annoyed with him. But the years went by and my feelings for him just grew stronger and stronger. A, my boyfriend at the time, was really really mean to me. He did things that I didn't think a human being was able to do to someone they supposedly loved. He basically told me who to hang out with and speak to and E was not one of them. No, A threatened to kill him if I ever spoke to him again so I told him I wouldn't. But I did it anyway, because E was my friend. The only one I could talk to about this. He has been there for me through thick and thin, stood by my side whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on, even though he lives on the other side of the country, he has always been there.

I didn't really want to admit that I was falling for E because he was my best friend, the big brother I always wanted. It took me three years to admit to myself that I had feelings for him, strong ones and he felt them too. Every time we met, electric shots went through my body like I had been struck by lightening. I just wanted to touch his skin, hear his heartbeat against my body, hold him close. I wanted to feel the warmth from his skin transfer to my skin. I wanted him so badly that my whole body ached. And when I finally did get him, everything fell apart.

My dream, of us being together, was crushed. Everything that I had hoped for just disappeared, all because of those stupid feelings. All because of that weekend we spent together. It was like an emotional bomb that exploded, we couldn't get enough of each other. It was like we were tied together with some invisible rope. We kissed, we hugged, we snuggled. We were in love, and it was magical. But somewhere in the middle of all those feelings, something went totally wrong. When I went home, we didn't speak for about two months. He ignored me and I couldn't understand why. I was devastated. My world just fell apart, I fell apart. I was madly in love with him, like head over heels in love. Our relationship hasn't been the same since that weekend we spent together last year, we have tried but it just won't be the same. I guess we both have grown since then, maybe we've even grown apart. But deep in my heart, I will always love him. He will always be the one for me.

set you free

ph: katya_kanke + mady •

I don’t know who to love

ph: Marija Kovac

1 year, 1 month, and 10 days ago me and my current boyfriend started dating. It’s a long distance relationship, though, the best relationship I’ve had in my short life. He’s been a dream to me, and I have never met anybody willing to risk everything for someone else. He’s head over heels madly in love with me. I love him back, so much. We have planned our lives together. We have planned to move in together, when I start university, and when he graduates from university. Everything is perfect. Though, lately I have been feeling more of an obligation to be with him. I have been feeling like he depends on me too much, and I depend on him, and I’m just used to having him in my life. I feel like I can’t break up with him, because I would be letting my parents down, my sister down, my friends down, and everyone else who are so convinced that one day, him and I will get married and live happily ever after...

A few days an old girl friend of mine broke her boyfriends heart, after being together for one year and six months, she broke up with him and a day later, starting dating a new boy. They live in Spain, I live in Sweden. For some reason, I felt the need to contact the boy she broke up with (though I had never met him before, or even talked to him), and tell him I’m sorry for what happened and that he deserves better. Although I had never talked to him in my entire life before, he sent me a message back pouring his heart out to me and telling him how hurt he was and telling me everything he should have been saying to his best friend. But he didn’t say it to his best friend, he said it to me.

We started talking more and more. Not actually talking, but messaging each other. I started to notice myself getting a clump in my stomach every time I saw he was online. I found myself checking facebook every 30 seconds, hoping he had written me back. I found myself falling for a stranger.

Last night I told him how I felt and that I was afraid I was going to fall for him if I were to meet him. So we decided that this summer when I got to Spain, we will meet. He’s the guy I have dreamt about since I was a little girl. He’s the perfect guy, my perfect someone. Like he wrote to me last night, ”you might be my pot, and I may be your lid”. He feels the same way about me, he thinks I am an absolutely amazing girl, and he feels like he has finally found someone who will treat him right.

So now I find myself at crossroads. Do I break up with the boy I have been with for over a year, and risk everything, to be with a stranger? Could my current boyfriend be my soulmate, or could this stranger be the one I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with? I find myself confused, and frustrated.

I don’t know who to love.

the world to one person

ph: 4 what its worth + RosieG Embroidery

i figured out you and me

ph: abran fuego

I figured it out. I figured out our relationship. We are the happiest together when we are apart. Together we are detrimental to one another. It took me some time to get here and I don't know how I did it but I figured out you and me.

It goes to the basics. You and I are motivated by one thing in life. You and I both live for our dreams and passions. We have strong urge to follow what is in our minds and devote ourselves to what we believe in. Our passions make us who we are no matter how pointless or silly they may be.

When we met each other out universes collided. The attraction, the powerlessness, the paralysis, the desire, the pain, the lust, the need was there yet it was hopelessly unworkable. To pursue that desire would translate to giving up part of our devotion to what we do in real life. The harder we would try to pursue one another the more we would get lost and disappointed in each other and in ourselves. Each one of us would hate to see the other give up the devotion to what we do because one would know how much the one valued it. We loved watching each other succeed yet the more we would succeed the more we would get separated from each other...

You were strong I was weak. You made me feel completely weak... The more we would try to fit in and try to get together, the more each one of us would get disappointed and sad that the other one wasn't real. And it drove us to insanity, to bully each other, to close up, to lose sight of reality and we were disintegrating as people. The environments we grew up in planted different dreams in us and we were deeply devoted to them.

To see you with someone who makes you happy and would put a smile on your face and you fulfilling your dreams would give me a sense of unbearable lightness. I was never big enough to fill your shoes and may be your were just too big to fit into mine, but your happiness is key to mine.

fall apart / fall together

ph: Joel Sossa + i.am.rebecca

---
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Use the code: WEAREFAMILY to get 20% off! Check out some of my top picks from their site here. 

too scared to say

ph: Tamar Burduli

Days like today when all else is done, my time is occupied by memories of you. Every second of every hour are the thoughts of I'd rather be with you.. wherever you are. But you will never know that... why?.. Well because I'm too scared to say what I feel.

Too scared to say- I wanna be with YOU.

Too scared to say- I miss you like heck.

Too scared to say- I'm sorry.

Simple enough, but yet so difficult. How do you begin to tell someone what they mean to you? Or how much they mean to you? It's easy when I think of the "I should'ves" and "could'ves" looking back now, but when the time comes.. I freeze. I guess cause I loved the guarantee that if I didn't speak, then I could always stay close to you. Even if it was just as a best friend. Such a twisted thought, but I knew deep in my heart somehow I always wanted you to be a part of my life. And now; I've messed ALL that up.

The misconception that you just wanted to be "friends" forced me to think, I needed to step back and move on. To allow you to find what you were looking for cause no matter how much I wanted there to be an 'us', I wasn't gonna jeopardize your happiness.

Maybe that was the heroic thing to do.

Not to be selfish (although I wish I could be).

But I feel much like the villain. I lost your trust. And I have no excuses. I don't want to try and make any either. I just want you to know (in your heart somehow) that I think about you all the time and like said before you're not easily forgotten. It's embarrassing that I cannot be strong enough to tell you this but I can write it all down on a screen you will never see. This is my comfort zone, for now, so this'll have to do. And secretly, the little brave part left inside of me, is silently telling you:

I loved us.

I've missed us.

I miss you... but most importantly; I love you.


by Naomi Gonzales

love with an open heart

ph: 3LambsStudio

it always comes back to that

ph: Seren Coşkun

Change is Hard. I should know.

I am so far beyond not ok that "not ok" doesn't even begin to cover it.
I am completely broken. heartbroken. torn apart. destroyed. i am a zombie.
the little pieces of myself i can get together is what you see walking around, pretending everything is ok.
its not. i haven't been ok for a really long time.
since last fall to be exact. the beginning of the school year is when my life and sanity started going down hill.
no one really reads this so i feel like i can get it out.
i haven't talked about it yet.

beginning in the fall of 2008, i started dating a guy that would end up bulldozing my world. I was head over heels. He was my everything. and i was his whole world. Blissful doesn't even begin to describe what we were. he was my best friend. he knew me better than anyone. he made me feel like i was the most beautiful thing in the world all the time. and i was his. we fit perfectly in every way. he knew how to handle my crazy emotional needs and i knew how to handle his insecurities. we would play all day, go to bed early just to lay in bed and talk. he wrote me notes and bought me flowers. he helped me through some really hard times. my family accepted him as one of us. I knew he was the one i was going to spend the rest of my life with. i was so in love. he was all there was in my world. he had the most beautiful blue eyes. they still haunt me. there isn't a day i don't think about them. or him. i still cry... its been over 7 months since the end.

he had given me a promise ring in the summer of 2009, and told me he intended to replace it with an engagement ring in the winter. he had asked my dad and everything. with that he took my heart again. we started having problems fall of 2009. not as blissful. but i was still as in love as ever. we thought it would be best to take a short "break" from each other to get our lives in order before we committed to each other fully. we wanted to get our relationships with God right. and our families.

during this short week, we didn't see each other as often. but one night i was over at his apartment doing homework. he got up and went to the bathroom and left me on the couch. while he was gone he got a text message. his iphone flashed the message from a girl named Haley saying "Can we just forget about what happened on Tuesday night? It wasn't like me at all and i don't want to be the one to ruin things with your girlfriend."

the blood drained from my face. i couldn't move. the next hour or so is somewhat fuzzy.
I got up from the couch and walked to the bathroom. i demanded an explanation.
I was shaking uncontrollably. he came out of the bathroom and sat on the corner of his bed.
i stood a safe distance away. we sat in silence for a few minutes, knowing what was coming.
I started screaming for an explanation.
he sat with his head in his hands crying.
i threw his phone against the wall over his bed. (denting the wall).
from there is where it gets hazy.
there was a lot of screaming and crying and throwing and hitting.
a broken box fan, shredded clothes, broken glass.
and "How could you do this to me?" was said a lot.
and just like that. my world was leveled.
he had taken every shred of sunshine, every happiness, and crushed it.
i still haven't healed.

the months following were filled with me going out on dates and trying to distract myself.
the first couple were the hardest.

one stands out. i went out on a date with a guy and we came back to my apartment to watch a movie.
i hear a familiar car motor outside. he was out there.
he knew about my date.
i walked out and he was on his knees in the street crying. begging for me to forgive him.
that's the image that is burned into my brain.
that's what breaks me the most.
pure desperation we both have. but i cant ever go back to him.

now, in the spring of 2010, i have been dating someone for almost 4 months now.
he is wonderful. he is sweet. he is caring and sentimental.
he is good for me. he cares about me. he may even love me.
he challenges me. we fight a lot. he pushes me to be better.
we have so much in common. we have fun together. we go out together.
we dance. he understands that i am broken and is patient with me most of the time.
i think i'm falling in love with him. as scary as that is to say. its true.
he makes me feel like i'm not falling apart slowly. like he can hold me together.
but that feeling doesn't last long. when he's away or we are fighting... i feel like i'm dying again. and i think about that wrecking ball that hit me just a few months before.
it always comes back to that.

my heart is still broken. that is clear.
how can i give away a broken heart?
that's not fair to him. none of this is. i try to hide it most of the time.
i want to be ok. i want to love him. it would be so easy. but my heart is in ruins...
all because of one man. one man who threw me away. one man who thought i wasn't enough.
even for a brief second.

now every man i have a relationship with for the rest of my life will have to deal with what he did.
every relationship will hurt because of the damage he caused.
i hate him for that.

if love is true

ph: abran fuego + ieatglass

a way to love myself

ph: same kak

It’s so hard, sometimes, to accept myself. Me with all my, probably imagined, imperfections. I can have a one-second look in the mirror and go out, go dancing and enjoy the night. But I can also stare, searching for something bad on myself. I’m not developed to who I’m gonna be yet. My style and personality are changing everyday. High-waisted skirt and ripped pants hang beside each other in my closet. Every morning I decide who I want to be that day.

I care too much about others opinions. Skinny girls, who are afraid to stand out, dominate my class. I’m not really an outsider, but I am not one of them either. Not that I want to, oh I confuse myself so much, why do I even care about their opinions? See, that’s how it works in my head. I now I’m not some random girl without brains, I do care about things, I want to learn, want to know more and I want to develop myself.

Right now, everything is changing. My friends have fight, others get a boyfriend and one of them even forget about me because of him. I’m getting to know new people. I’m discovering that old, not-so-good friends are really nice.

Everything is changing each single day. The happenings teach me, guide me and try to help me with my quest. I’m following a bendy road, filled with holes. Trying to find a way to love myself. And I’m on my way now. I’m on my way.

the best thing to hold on to

ph: unraveleddesign

goodbyes are never perfect

ph: plakka

I wrote this nearly two years ago, the void is still there.

Nothing in life is certain, people, places and occurrences come and go. Nothing in this world is permanent. Life is a fleeting moment that reforms in each new passing instant. And while nothing is permanent, we are still effected and moved in unexpected ways. People that you never expected to hold significance in your life, become the ones hardest to forget. They stroll into your life as insignificant as single leaf is to a tree. And in a season or two, they fall, and their loss strikes a surprising pain.

Naked is the only way to describe how the loss of something so presumably insignificant makes you feel. You find that the smallest things throw you into memories that now seem so bittersweet and haunting. Every memory glorified to be almost unworldly perfect, but when you strain hard enough the flawed details surface, and realize your perceived reality is skewed. I can only equate this phenomenon to that of when someone dies. Suddenly their memory is perfect, every flaw vanishes. It’s not that they were perfect in reality, but rather from some reason we torture ourselves by believing their memory is flawless, making their severance nearly impossible and painstakingly difficult.

This same situation holds true when you must muster an agonizing goodbye to someone close who moves to a different country, state, or even city. Their tie becomes almost impossible to cut as you trick yourself into believing every moment with them was much more magical than in reality it was. Their loss strikes a plaguing fear; the fear of forgetting them, and the fear of never finding someone to fill the empty void they left. While your common sense tells you that your void is not permanent, for nothing is, you heart is heavy with the notion that you emptiness is impermeable. It is simply easier to tend to the haunting memories of a past lover than to lend your fractured being someone who could easily, “kick you while you’re down,” so to speak. But what is even more difficult than saying a goodbye is to see the world in someone who sees nothing, to value their life above your own when they value their own at less than the worth of a single penny. To hear the words, “I want to die,” from someone so close feels like a knife plunging right the bottom of your soul. It obliterates every last bit of you, leaving you entirely hallow. Hopelessly all you can do is wish and pray that they find all the things that you have found in them. Hope that they discover why you fell in love with them, why you felt they were worth tearing down your fear of vulnerability for. To deal with a goodbye is hard enough, but deal with the idea that the person you feel so deeply for is suicidal is beyond what any words can describe. And then to be constantly bombarded with the question of how do you feel about so and so leaving is beyond difficult. You want to scream everything that you are feeling. You want to break down and cry and tell them how you are riddled with fear, confusion, and pain, but that’s not what people really want to hear. So you do what is easiest for them and for you and you say that you couldn’t care less, even though it is the furthest thing from the truth.

I know that time heals all. I know eventually people will stop asking, and it will get easier. While a big part of me wishes I could forget everything, an even bigger part of me has believe that everything has purpose. While the purpose may not be clear now, I have hope that someday it will be. That is the beauty of fate. I have hope that things will get better not just on my end, but on his as well. Severance is never easy, goodbyes are never perfect, and I’m finally at peace with that. So goodbye and take care, may you find joy in all that you do. I only have the best of wishes for you.

CJA

love shaped me

ph: buenaventura marco + inter-vivos

until i met him

ph: andrenzo

I used to think love didn't exist, that everything I read on your blog was fantasies, lies, that romance was a waste of time, that nobody could make me blush, that I wasn't going to find anyone that I wanted to see everyday; to hold on to, to breathe in their scent. Until I met him.

It was strange. The bar was empty, I was lonely, I was bored, I begged my friends to leave. And as they were finishing their last drinks I saw him. We made eye contact, I was the first person he saw, he was the first person where I've felt my body flush with excitement. Now I was begging them to stay. I would look over, he would catch me staring, I would blush & turn away. & vice versa, this continued for over an hour. My friends noticed, they told me we're staying until I talk to him. I was stubborn, 'no, he'll come to me' I said. I didn't realize I was in a group of guys, with my one girlfriend. She gave me a good line so I went over, I don't regret it, it was supposed to happen.

We exchanged digits. We started to see each other, 4 months pass by & we're still just 'seeing each other' I wanted more. I wanted him to be mine. I wanted him to take me, not allow anyone to have a chance with me, I wanted him. He on the other hand, wanted something casual. Didn't want a commitment. I had to break it off, it was sickening this need, this hunger I had for him. I was head over heels. Unable to feel normal, the way I felt before I met him. It was just him, him, him. All I needed, wanted, just him.

The way he smirked when I got awkward, the way he kissed my cheek, pausing for a couple seconds, then pulling away, looking into my eyes. In moments when I would talk too much & he would kiss me, taking my breath away. Sitting in silence, comfortable, knowing that was where I wanted to be. As we would drive, he would place his hand on my thigh, it felt like I was burning underneath my jeans where his hand was placed. Then at red lights, he would grab my fingers and kiss each of them randomly.

I miss him. I miss wasting time in his room, just laying around. I am a virgin, afraid to give myself to him, knowing if I do that he might leave. For isn't that what they want? I can't know. He refuses to add me on facebook, as trivial and stupid as that is, it does bug me, why? What is he hiding?

After a couple months after I broke it off I couldn't help it, I called him, needed to see him. He came down, we went for a walk, talked. After that I didn't see him for weeks. He didn't talk to me for 4 months. I was devastated, once again in this void of sadness. So I forgot about him, or tried to, dated, but nobody was good enough. None of them were HIM.

Now, 4 months later he calls me up. Says he's been stupid, a dumb ass, he finds himself thinking about me, wants to talk to me. What can I do? I give in. I feel like that stupid girl, weak, defenseless. Trust me I am anything but that, except for when I'm around him. So we talked at a coffee shop, saw a movie. Fell asleep on each other throughout the movie, so tired. He drove me home, wanted to see me again. So there I was last Sunday taking a walk with him, running through the woods, giggling. Made me dinner, watched a movie, fooled around a little. Still a virgin. Still scared. I don't know what to do. I've never felt like this before, is it love? I don't know. How can we know if it is? All I know is that when I see him I feel as if everything will be okay, I feel safe, I feel calm. After we part I feel on top of the world, as if I can do anything. He still wants to see me, seems to be putting in more effort. Why? What does he possibly want from me? It's not sex since I'm not giving any. I don't understand. It's almost been a year of this tug-o-war. How can I let him know I want him without scaring him off? How do I show him I care about him without being 'clingy'?

I still want him, nobody else.

always back to you

ph: Viola Cangi + notebook doodles

i'm going to help him

ph: rags_and_feathers

Sometimes, I wish for change. Sometimes I wish that men would be nicer and that women could make up their minds about what they what once in a while. Sometimes I wish that he will come back to me and love me again. Most times I don’t. Wish for that, I mean. Because I know now that I miss something that no longer exists. Something that disappeared a few months back and that probably won’t find it’s way back anytime soon. Other people have started to notice too. Asked me about it. Come to me with their questions hoping that I have answers. Most time I don’t. He is gone, lost. I saw him the other day and his smile was broken. Not literally speaking of course, he doesn’t get into fights or anything, he’s not like that. At least he wasn’t before. It was his smile that gave him away. The smile that I had studied for almost two years and knew by heart had changed into a grim smile. Suddenly it starting calling out for help. For someone to help him find his way back to that loving, young boy that he once was. But he is taken now. By other things. Better things, according to him. Worse things, according to everybody else. It all depends on who you ask. His smile has barriers now. Teeth that are not afraid to bite back anymore. His spine has become straighter. His eyes, glowing. And not in that good way but it that bad way that every girl or boy has seen at least once in their lives and that makes them just want to crawl out of their skin and creep up into somebody elses. I don’t know what happened. Most times I don’t. Think I what to know, that is. It just makes me sad to see how the one person that came closer to me than anybody ever has needs help so badly and won’t allow anybody to help him. He won’t even help himself. I know him by heart. I can see his skin starting to peel back and show the virus spreading in his veins. I can see his heart beating in that jagged way as if to say that he no longer wants me to love him anymore. His facial expression when I told him that this was the last time that we were going to see each other for a while the first truth I had seen in months. His guard went down. Lowered itself for a fraction of a second and before I could grasp that second it was gone and his guard went higher. Higher than ever. And that was when I knew. I am going to help him. Because he is the one. He is my soulmate. He is my everything. And I owe it to him. I owe it to us. It is better to have tried and failed than to spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened if I actually got through to him and helped him find his way back. To me. To him. To life. To us.

- E, to her long lost love.