even if

ph: NikaThings + quotes happy

those hands used to be mine

ph: Emily Callahan // allfangs andelbows

My dear L.,

This is the email I will probably never send you. I will never admit how much it hurts to hear you're taking another girl out, buying her glasses of wine, holding her hand in the cinema and sending her text messages. I used to be that girl, for 4 years.
I don't know what exactly happened. We stopped being in love with each other. We stopped having fun. The routine took over our lives and before we knew it, I was taking a plane in a direction and you were taking a train in the other one.

We still talk. I still cannot imagine my life without you. You were my best friend and you can't abandon your best friend when something bad happens. I know I was the one who said we should break up. I know. Although I still know we're not right for each other and if we ever got back together we would drive each other crazy in less than a week, although I know all of that I cannot imagine your hands, your beautiful hands I used to love, touching another girls, caressing her neck, her thighs, making her feel special. Those hands used to be mine. I miss those hands. I miss you. I miss us, our wine bottles and bookshelf, the way you would walk in on me while I was taking a shower, the way you used to carry me home at night when I'd had one too many drinks, I miss kissing you in the morning before I'd leave to university.

It's a bit too late for this now. And we're too far away. I am not saying I wish we were together again because I know it wouldn't work out, at least not now, not in this world. But I do admit I lie in bed at night, thinking of you, of how you're now learning the smell of another girl's hair and the shape of her ankles.

I miss you. But you're still my best friend so from the bottom of my heart, I hope she can make you happier than I ever managed to.

T.

love tattoos

photo/video: Boho Baby Bump

I love him / I love her.
Read the cute and touching story behind Jess and Sam's tattoos here.
--

i think i already do

photo: Theo Gosselin

I am trying to make sense out of all this mess; I really am because there’s got to be a rational, saner explanation as to why you have become a permanent inhabitant in my mind. Even before you came, I knew you would be a temptation, a possible cause of distraction from my vow to abstinence and loyalty to my boyfriend. I was glad I didn’t find you attractive when I first saw you striding along the corridor of our dorm. You look boyish and average, definitely not my kind of guy. Whew!

Months passed and we became closer. I look to you like the big sister that I am and you keep me amused with your adventure stories and lame jokes. It’s comfortable this thing we had you see, no emotions or butterflies; just pure, fun friendship. But one night changed everything! You flirted with our dorm mate’s sister at a party and she even slept at one of the rooms at our floor which led me to the obvious conclusion that you slept together. In an instant, it’s like a switch has been flicked somewhere and I’m seeing you more clearly than the night before. Its true then what they say that when you are about to lose someone, it will become the most important person to you. I remember not sleeping that night, constantly thinking what you two are doing locked in a room together. I have gone crazy inside after that but I never dared to tell you. You told me about it of course, how you “almost” did it with her and I’m not sure if I should believe you but it doesn’t matter right? I’m not your girlfriend, I have a boyfriend back home and you’re courting someone back in your hometown too so explaining isn’t really necessary.

I can tell by the amount of time she hangs out in our dorm that she likes you but you said you don’t that’s why I became more protective of you. We spent more time together trying to give her the idea that we’re an item and I’m beginning to feel different. The butterflies rapidly multiply, I begin to wake up in the wee hours of the night remembering how I dreamt about you, and then I start missing you.

One lazy Saturday, we hang out in my room like we usually do but this time I can feel something different, it was awkward and we were careful. Out of nowhere you kissed me and I responded, slowly at first like we’re not sure if it’s the right thing to do. I looked at you and lost all my inhibitions and caved in, it was stupid I know but the feeling seems so right. I was happy… for a while. You go to my room every night after that and the same sick feeling remains. You have no idea how guilty I am every time I talk to my boyfriend thru Skype after making out with you. We were getting dangerously close and people start to notice so I told you to slow down a little, you obliged.

We see less of each other after we talked about slowing down a bit and you don’t know how much I miss you. I miss your goodnight kisses, our long talks, cuddles and your smile. I guess I just miss all of you. I unsubscribed from your Facebook because I can’t stand looking at your cheesy status and goodnight messages to your girl, I don’t go online because it pains me when you don’t send a message, I changed your name on Skype so I won’t get thrilled every time you go online… you have no idea how much effort I put on learning how to forget you because I miss you so much. I put myself into this mess and I can’t seem to get out. I’m sorry I led you on, I’m sorry I can’t stand for you, I have to protect myself you know. I cannot risk losing my boyfriend over something I’m totally uncertain of.

But I miss you. You said you love me before but I was sure you didn’t mean it however I wish you do. Should you say those 3 words again, I might reply back because even if I don’t want to love you, I think I already do.

so close

ph: Katya Kanke + weheartit (maroon 5 lyrics)

please say yes

ph: vika bakirova

Well you are home… again. Only this time it feels different. When you were here last something happened between us and I thought my reaction (one which we both cannot forget) meant that I was repulsed by you. The more I think on it, the more I think my initial rationalisation is completely wrong. In fact, I believe it is on the other end of the scale. A scale I certainly didn’t think I would be putting you on in the near future, let alone the present. I’m fucking scared. Scared of your reaction to what I am about to tell you. And anxious that you are going to think I’m crazy (you already know this). The more I reflect on the relationships I’ve had, the more I realise a pattern occurring. I continue to push men out of my life even though I do not want to be alone. I want to find my someone. My concern is that my someone never really left and that I was simply denying what my heart was telling me because my head knew how much it hurt. My head has been ruling to protect me. And that makes sense right? You are well aware that I have this outrageous creative side with dreams and aspirations and then there is my very focused, sensible, protective side. I know you left to follow your dreams but we, we didn’t end because we didn’t love each other or because one was hurt, it just wasn’t our time. And it still isn’t. You are going back in four months but I cannot wait one more year to fill you in. I want you. I need you. I love you. I want to make you happy. I want to make your life even fuller than it is. I want to travel the world with you. I want to create even more memories than we already have. I want to be your wife (too far ha?). I need you to be the father of my children (Yep way too far haha). I need you to be mine and I need to be yours. Please say yes and we will just figure out everything else on the way. One year now is nothing compared to the four we were faced with back then.

Do I tell him? If so how do I tell him? How do I let him know? I’m 99.9% he feels the same but I am so scared.

my best surprise

ph: Sarinya Withaya